Why me?

I’d like to start by saying that I know in many ways that I’m not unique. Most things about me can be found in other people - my likes, interests, dislikes, hobbies; there are probably millions of people that are carbon copies of me in that regard.

But it seems like most of my life, I’m constantly thrown through walls and into bad situations because of the things that make me different.

I have a very unique, un-named type of ADHD - I am high-functioning on the surface, but low-functioning mentally - my brain is constantly firing even when I don’t want it to, it feels as though I’m thinking about a million things all the time, and sometimes the noise is unbearable. This does have a very unique side effect as well - I can’t feel emotions. And I know what you’re thinking “Lorenzo, that’s like our whole thing” - let me explain.

Usually, when you think or experience something, your brain sends signals to other areas of your body, prompting the release of chemicals and other hormones through the nervous system - there’s a clear disconnect that happens there due to the confusion happening in my brain, and so my nervous system never receives commands from my brain - it still works when it comes to physical trauma, though my pain tolerance is higher than average because of the same thing.

This leaves me in a conundrum, unable to relate to people unless I emulate, which is easy because my life has unironically sucked for the most part. I’ve lived through a lot of things, so even if the feeling isn’t real, the words I say are.

It just seems like I’m expected to be normal and I’m cast aside and invalidated when I’m different, and I don’t know what I should do anymore.

It’s not something I can change, either. There’s no magical medicine or surgery I can go through, I’m stuck like this. I go to therapy every week and I try to change, but I know that change isn’t going to happen - this is my life, and I have to deal with it.

If that leaves me alone, so be it.

Lorenzo, out.